Stillbirths: A Globally Silenced Pain By Irena Karafilly, Author Of Tunes For Dancing Bears

On The Table Read Magazine, “the best arts and entertainment magazine UK“, through her new novel, Tunes For Dancing Bears, Irena Karafilly explores the profound grief and marital strain faced after a stillbirth, shedding light on the often-silenced global pain of losing a child.

Written by Irena Karafilly

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I was a neophyte mother when I chanced to see a dishevelled-looking woman sobbing on a Montreal hospital’s maternity ward. She was waiting for the elevator, leaning against her husband as though her legs could not be trusted to carry the weight of her own body. I, too, was about to be discharged, delirious with the joy of having given birth in my 30s to a perfectly normal baby. I did not yet know that the weeping woman had given birth to a stillborn child, but a chatty nursing student soon satisfied my curiosity, speaking in hushed tones.

This was when I recalled something I had almost forgotten: a married neighbor who had been pregnant when I was a child but who came back from the hospital with red-rimmed eyes and empty arms. The neighbors spoke about her in frantic whispers, falling silent the moment I approached. When I asked what happened to the neighbor’s baby, I was told she’d become an angel. “One of God’s little angels,” my mother said, sighing.

Understanding Stillbirth: A Global Issue

Many years would pass before I learned about stillbirths. A baby who dies after 28 weeks of pregnancy, but before or during birth, is generally classified as stillborn. According to WHO, there are nearly 2 million stillbirths every year – one every 16 seconds; in Canada, one in 125 pregnancies ends in a stillbirth. And yet, despite the fact that stillbirths are ten times more common than cot deaths, they are rarely discussed, in private or in public.

Two of my own aging friends had experienced a stillbirth as young women. They still did not want to talk about it, but there have been others who, on being interviewed, seemed only too grateful for an opportunity to dwell on the memory of their lost child. “A mother never forgets,” one greying woman said, echoing many others. “The pain never quite goes away, not even after you’ve had other children.”

The Silence of Others

What most women find especially painful is the tendency of family and friends to avoid the subject, expecting the bereaved mother to put the loss behind her and get on with life. As soon as possible. “You are still young,” many women report being told by well-meaning relatives or colleagues. “You will have other children.” This is not what a woman who has experienced a failed pregnancy needs to hear. After carrying a baby for nine months, women feel bonded to their unborn children; some recall feeling cheated by God and angered by what they perceive to be friends’ insensitivity.

What most bereaved mothers urgently want is an explanation for their tragic loss, and then an opportunity to talk about it to anyone willing to listen. Certain that no one can understand their pain, they long to talk to other women who have experienced a birth tragedy; they want family and friends to legitimize their suffering and honor the memory of the child they have lost.

Evolving Hospital Practices

In recent years, all over the world, medical and support staff (social workers, clergymen, etc.) have been trained to deal with failed pregnancies. Bereaved parents are now offered the choice of spending time with their dead baby, an opportunity to take photographs or mementoes such as a lock of hair or a footprint. They are given a chance to decide whether to cremate or bury the child, or let the hospital deal with all the sad formalities.

Before 1990, though, most hospitals considered it cruel to expose grieving parents to the physical reality. It was believed that a woman would get over her loss faster if she did not see the baby at all. Hospital employees were therefore trained to whisk the newborn away for incineration or quick burial at an undisclosed location.

Lingering Trauma from Past Practices

Today, there are women everywhere who, in middle or old age, still remember the pain of seeing their baby forcibly taken from them. Many remember their rage at hospital staff’s attitude: the evasiveness of doctors and nurses, the embarrassed silence of technicians, kitchen aides, cleaners. Some recall thinking they were going mad, feeling the kicking in their womb even after they had given birth.

It is a little-known but not uncommon phenomenon, much like the experience of amputees complaining about phantom legs. Women who have lost a newborn, however, report feeling too vulnerable to share such bizarre sensations. “I was afraid to tell the doctor,” one woman stated, “or even my husband, for the longest time. I kept smelling smoke that wasn’t there. I thought they might stick me in the loony bin.”

Much of bereaved mothers’ pain is complicated by mistrust, and a tendency to look for a culprit. “I thought that someone – a careless doctor or an overworked nurse – had done something wrong,” said a suburban mother of three healthy children. “That’s what I kept saying to my husband. Why else would a seemingly normal baby fail to breathe as expected?”

Causes and Disparities

There are no clear answers, but some stillbirths are linked to complications with the placenta, a birth defect, or lack of oxygen. At times, the problem seems to lie with the mother’s general health and habits. Not surprisingly, the incidence of stillbirths is higher for teenagers or women over thirty-five; black babies are stillborn at almost twice the rate of white ones.

Unicef reports huge differences in stillbirth rates across the globe, with a risk that is 20 times higher in the country with the highest stillbirth rate compared to the country with the lowest stillbirth rate. Stillbirths were concentrated in a few countries, with the greatest number found in India, followed by Pakistan, Nigeria, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Ethiopia, and Bangladesh. These six countries accounted for almost half of the estimated global number of stillbirths and 36 per cent of global live births in 2021.

Poverty, then, is an obvious factor but, unfortunately, there are no reliable screening tests to identify all babies at risk. Air pollution has been linked to failed pregnancies, but around a quarter of stillbirths cannot be explained. Sadly, insists Unicef, many of those babies did not have to die. Some of the deaths might have been prevented had the mothers had access to proper care during pregnancy and labour. According to the World Health Organization, government agendas and public policies are at least partially responsible for the tragic statistics, having failed to adequately address this global problem.

Steps to Reduce Risk

All the same, they add, there are things a pregnant woman can do to minimize the risk of having a stillborn child:

• Stop smoking! Smoking in pregnancy is said to be one of the main causes of stillbirths. Also of miscarriage, premature birth, SUDI AND SIDS, low birth weight, and breathing problems.
• Have regular checkups to confirm normal foetal growth.
• Be aware of your baby’s movements. If you sense anything unusual, contact your doctor or midwife immediately.
• After 28 weeks of pregnancy, make it your habit to sleep on your side.

Warning Signs to Watch For

You must also be conscious of potential complications should you experience any of the following:

• The baby’s movements have suddenly stopped.
• There is sharp abdominal or back pain.
• There has been a change in your own health.
• There is sudden vaginal bleeding.

A Call for Compassion

Pregnant women might find the links below helpful. Relatives and friends of bereaved mothers, don’t turn away from painful disclosures! Whatever you do or say, do not make light of a tragic loss.

REFERENCES:

       – SAFER BABY – https://saferbaby.org.au/

       – MOVEMENTS MATTER –  https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-symptom-checker/movements-matter-raising-aware

     – EVERY WEEK COUNTS – https://everyweekcounts.com.au/

     – RED NOSE: Pregnancy to birth – https://rednose.org.au/section/pregnancy-to-birth

     – Stillbirth Resources: https://www.cdc.gov/stillbirth/communication-resources/index.html

Tunes For Dancing Bears

Tunes for Dancing Bears by Irena Karafilly is a heartrending novel set in Montreal in September 1991, where Lydia, a daughter of poor Greek immigrants, and her husband, Dr. John Gabriel, face the devastating loss of their stillborn child. As they navigate the profound grief that follows, their already fragile marriage is pushed to the brink, with Lydia grappling with feelings of failure toward her husband and his affluent Greek family, and John struggling with fidelity.

This poignant story delves into the rarely discussed yet staggering reality of stillbirths—nearly 2 million annually, one every 16 seconds, according to WHO—exploring the complexities of grief, the immigrant experience, and the resilience of hope.

A deeply moving tale of family, loss, and the true meaning of “for better or worse,” Tunes for Dancing Bears illuminates the silent pain of a global tragedy and the enduring strength of the human spirit.

Find more from Irena Karafilly now:

Apple Book: https://apple.co/48ZDMbq

Kindle: https://amzn.to/475RqY0

Paperback: https://amzn.to/48tKfeM

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